Nostalgia - Dark Suckers

     TITLE   : Dark Suckers
     SUMMARY : The theory of dark suckers
     AUTHOR  : Jesper Hogstrom
     DATE    : 05/10/92
    For years it was believed that electric bulbs emitted light.  However,
    recent information has proven otherwise.  Electric bulbs do not emit
    light, they suck dark.  Thus we will now call these bulbs dark suckers.
    The dark sucker theory, according to a spokesperson, proves the existence
    of dark, that dark has a mass heavier than light, and that dark is faster
    than light.
    The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.
    Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are.  There is
    less dark right next to them than it is elsewhere.  The larger the
    dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark suckers in a
    parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.
    As with all things dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they are
    full of dark they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the black
    spot on a full dark sucker.
    A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.
    You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black,
    representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.  If you hold
    a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn
    black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.
    Unfortunately, today's primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
    There are also portable dark suckers.  These bulbs can't handle all of
    the dark themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit.  When
    the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
    before the portable dark sucker can operate again.
    Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this
    mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark
    sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in
    the solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a great
    amount of heat.  Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating
    Dark is also heavier than light.  If you swim deeper and deeper, you
    notice it gets slowly darker and darker.  When you reach approximately
    fifty feet, you are in total darkness.  This is because the heavier
    dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to
    the top.
    The immense power of the dark can be utilized to man's advantage.  We
    can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push
    it through turbines which generates electricity and helps push dark to
    the ocean, where it may be safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was
    much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the ocean.
    The Indians recognized this problem and tried to solve it.  When on a
    river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of dark,
    they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when
    they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to
    help the dark along its way.
    Finally we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were to
    stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then
    slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
    closet, but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the
    dark leave the closet.
    In conclusion, it has been stated that dark suckers make our lives much
    easier, so the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that
    it is indeed a dark sucker.